There's something much harder about this then I expected. Maybe it's the constant looking at the time. the clocks are not arrows but they can still get stuck in your back if you let them. i'm talking about life, of course. Its losing its luster and apparantly at 24 its way to early for me to call what i;m in now a rut. but just wait until im 40 and i'm claiming that is was where it all started. where the fear crippled me so badly that I was unable to move or think. i thought i was doing well, but today taught me a lesson. 

I'm not sure what I supposed to be doing or saying. or why im so obsessed with doing or saying the correct thing. Probably because i think itll lead me to some perfect ending, a painless lesson, silence; or all the above. all these things sound like death or a nap. is that too dismal? am i any good at this? 

what is it gonna be that i do for money and why does it matter so much? well for one, I believe that when people are in the correct line of work they flourish. they can express their purpose, because biologically accurate or not, there is something to be said about trading time, doing something you sincely love, for money. its easier to work harder, to go that extra mile, which can lead to more money precisely because you werent doing it for the money. Now, many of us do not have a passion that clear or an affinity in complex fields where we could become high earners just by climbing the corperate ladder. We call those who have these things "the lucky ones". I long to be a lucky one. I long to have a fearlessness combined with a willingness to work hard with a genuine love for something. 

of couse I do love many things, I love children and working with them. I like writing a lot but i have no discipline to it, which makes me feel like i dont love it at all. I love books and literature and the analysis of the story. There is something extremely important to me about discovering the knowledge revealed in a story. that's something to go on about later. 

jobs are a big deal but now i'm understanding that prestige isnt. we cant all be astrophysicists. we dont all wanna be astrophysicists. some wanna be bakers, or gardeners, or designers, or event planners, or talk show hosts, or  poker players and the list goes on. 

i want to write meditations for people. a remedy with words. something to scream back into the silence. and more then anything i dont want to choose fear.